A new study suggests burning larch tree bark led to last week’s lunar capsizing event

A new study suggests Dada the cause of man reading Hamlet backwards in a panda mask

A new study suggests a sexually desperate jellyfish will try to mate with a lamp thrown into the ocean

A new study suggests the Transcendentalists were somnambulists on selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors

A new study suggests the domestication of sugar beets indirectly led to the genesis of me

When a new study suggests we go back to her place to examine each other’s independent variables

I nod and finish my drink

though I’ve read the new study which suggests you shouldn’t go home with data analysts you meet at bars

Mother told me I wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for a chance encounter at a country western saloon where a tiny sprocket ticks inside the heart of a mechanical bull

A study of my moving parts reveals I am not the minotaur though some days I wake up in the dark center of a maze

A new study suggests you can sleepwalk your way out of the labyrinth so long as you leave a phone number where you can be reached

A cursory study reveals beet juice and merlot are the closest synonyms for blood

That same study found no adequate synonyms for synonym

which lends the word a kind of sad ironical air

like a lovelorn priest who spends his Saturdays joining in holy matrimony everyone but himself

A new study suggests people who milk themselves dry for the benefit of others have on average more nipples than their counterparts

Confirming prior studies which found largesse is located on such and such chromosome

So I really shouldn’t fault my withholding father of whom it’s been said he could pinch a nickel until the minotaur shits

Because a new study suggests that it is good to allow our loved ones enough space to metamorphose

Because a great scientist of hell said that “space may produce new worlds”

A new study suggests that by the time we realize the new world has arrived we will be busy making newer ones 

Where polyamorous priests minister moon milk to jellyfish through hydroelectric dugs 

And our fathers bequeath us all of their gold

Though the handsomest man in his era, he wanted to be something immortal… .