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Nude Modeling for Introverts

Lee Upton

By Medusa


isten, I’m five thousand years old and have snakes for hair and am I shy?

Wear a hat. That’s what I do. You can wear a mask too.

Now that you’re vaccinated it’s time to go out and bare at least some of yourself—to be more, you know, body positive and art loving. And while you’re modeling it’s a good idea to think about other things—like about people who want to cut your head off and put your head in a bag and how you’re not going to let them.

If seeing you turns men into stone that’s their problem. Some people would be lucky to be turned into stone, some people don’t realize how lucky it is to be turned into stone... People look better as stone, last longer, decorate the plaza.

Remember, you’re modeling truth.

It’s not true that I am currently living in a bag and am pulled out when some guy’s enemies approach. People make up stories because of that one time at a party when I kept putting my leg over people’s shoulders. As if everybody hasn’t done that. Besides, it was my party!

Again, wear a hat. If your hat squirms tell people you’ve got a lot of thoughts and your thoughts are busy, busy, busy!

Just think: you’re ready to get out into the world and you have nothing to hide and no one to envy. You no longer have to watch endless Netflix comedies about people drinking in bars...

Again, that rumor about my demise is all wrong. Especially the part about how a horse jumped out of me while I was bleeding. How do I know? Decades after you’ve given birth to a child the haunting continues. In back of the cupboard: cereal bowl with two cheerios ossified into cement. In attic: ancient baby monitor suddenly speaks in strange voices. An abandoned breast pump chop-runs across your utility shelf. One tiny baby sock turns up inside your bra! If my offspring was a horse there would still be evidence!

Remember: Your cat isn’t nervous about being nude, so why should you be fussy? Admit that during the pandemic your cat has established new parameters for your behavior: feeding on the half hour, treats ordered online, including weird toys with tassels... Admit that during the pandemic you became like a bartender for your cat. Except not paid, never tipped, always on call. Realize that you’re doing this nude modeling for yourself, not only to pay for your cat’s excessive demands.

Just a warning: Don’t even peek at whatever those art students are drawing while staring at your body for far too long! Believe me, no one will capture your essence. Frankly, I myself would like to be represented in more flattering ways. Possibly, once in a while, I’d like to be represented with my mouth closed.

Again, you’re serving art and artists! As for me, it’s not like I’m looking for trouble. People come to me. Aggressive people. With swords. I let my head do the work that my hands won’t.

A little secret about the golden fleece. It’s fleas—that’s what’s glittering.


Lee Upton