—Woman, woman!

[Young woman, young woman!]

—Yes, what is it?

[Yes, how may I help you?]

You may be wondering how it all started. Wonder you may. Once behind the scenes, always behind the scenes, they say. They say, they say. They say. I say. I say. We say.

—A pound of mince please.

[A pound of mince, if you’d be so kind.]

You’ll see I like to lean towards the polite in my work. I like making people polite. They have no reason not to be. They have no reason to choose otherwise. They have no reason. Everything within reason. We interpreters installed here, watching, making sense, translating. Most people don’t know they’re being assisted. Those who do, try to forget soon after such a discovery has been made. The voices destined to become their own.

Should you wish to sleep there’ll be no interpreting of dreams or such nonsense. Only sense and reason is what we impart. We’re the ones who used to be writers but found ourselves written out. And so here we are—interpreters behind the scenes. We’re happy to help. Happy. Happy to use our expertise. There are some things only we can pick up on. We take in the whole picture, expressions, gestures. The human touch is still needed.

There are strict guidelines, of course. Top is confidentiality, then impartiality then professional distance. Everything you say will be translated. Sometimes we ad lib a little. With children no one cares much. There may be an extra detention or two. We all need to let off steam.

No one remembers how they got drawn to this work. There are subtleties at play. When the cat’s away the mice will. You don’t get to alter the register or mood though I’m sure we’d all agree that arguments are a true test of our talents and call for the greatest range.

—My dove, we’ve had to stop making the payments as there’s nothing to live on.

[I’m so sorry, my sweet, but there’ll be no money left unless we cease the payments].

—Please don’t call me that. I don’t understand—why are we stopping the payments?

[Could you not call me that. What have I missed? Why the need to stop the payments?]

—Listen, my sparrow, we have simply run out of money.

[Look, my pigeon, you have spent all the money].

—Firstly, my name is Lusya. Secondly, I don’t spend anything near as much as you do. Take your solid wood furniture for a start.

[Please call me Lucia for one. For two, your spending on hardwood furniture is way more than my outgoings.]

—Erm, ok—Lucia, don’t take it that way. We can have a spending break and try to earn a little more, then start putting some aside for the things we used to do.

[Huh, Lucia, then—no, not like that. Take a break and earn some more money, then see if you can put some aside to spend time with me.]

—Lucia? What in the name of—I’ll tell you what, you take a break and then see how you like it. Pack your things and leave. Now.

[Lucia? What the—I have an idea: you go on a trip and let me know how it goes. If you pack your things now, you can leave straightaway.]

—Well if you’re sure. We do have money from the last payment I kept back. I’ll use that and see you in a few weeks’ time.

[You seem sure about it. There are some funds we kept back that I can use. I may visit you again in a week or so.]

Everything you say will be interpreted one way or another. We omit neither verbal tics nor fillers. You can be sure of that. Sure as sure can be. And I can assure you that on the matter of corruption we do not receive messages back here. We have no sway. Writers that we are we’ve become speakers. We speak what you speak. We say the things you say, differently.

Recently I’ve started voicing the unsaid too. In a bid to improve interpersonal encounters. This is how my side-hustle developed. It’s not that I’ve gone solo but I have started to offer my services more widely now, as I believe I am well-versed in most problems. I keep records of all treatments, passwords, birth years, first pets, loyalty cards, boiler servicing dates, water and fertility levels. People particularly appreciate my skills at doctors’ appointments. It’s beyond me why doctors and nurses omit the things they do. I only provide this service on request, though it can be hard to communicate such a request to me. They say you don’t know what you don’t know. I do have to assume a request has been made at times, though it’s always very obvious.

People can be made aware of their blood pressure, pulse and thyroid readings. When they say their hair is falling out from stress I can jump in to reassure them that hair loss due to such a cause is in most cases rectifiable with time. Iron is usually advised. I still am a little surprised when they say to the doctor prescribe me this or that. They think they know what is due to them and they will always try to get it.

—Now, can you touch your toes?

[Now, can you still touch your toes over your stomach?]

—Yes, I can thank God.

[Mercifully, yes.]

—You’ve put on three kilos since last time and are now no longer pre-diabetic but fully diabetic.

[You’re overweight and have full-blown diabetes.]

—I can hardly move anymore. I don’t understand why I’m in so much pain and can’t even walk as far as the door. Can you give me something?

[My mobility is severely affected. Please prescribe me something for the pain.]

—Our approach is to treat the symptoms. You don’t have any other diagnosis. I see your suspected rheumatoid arthritis was never followed up. Can you make another request at reception?

[We need to look at the problem: it’s your weight. Can you try intermittent fasting? I’ve lost 7 kilos that way.]

—I’ll try, but I don’t have much hope. Nothing seems to work.

[Good idea, I will give it a go. I hope it’ll work.]

—Next question. Do you drink.

[Do you have an alcohol problem?]

—I only drink at birthdays and Christmas.

[I drink to have a good time.]

—I see. And is your memory impaired?

[Have you started forgetting things yet?]

—Well I don’t remember things like I used to.

[I’m getting old, what do you expect?]

—Ah yes, the effect of age but is it impaired?

[Has your lifestyle damaged your mental capacity?]

—Well I am not the person I used to be. I no longer remember everything.

[Who knows. I used to know so much by heart, literature, poems. Now nothing.]

—I’m going to refer you for a dementia test.

[For your next visit, I’d like you to memorise ‘Loveliest of Trees’ by A.E. Housman.]

Team sports are difficult. It’s hard to keep up but I like seeing people run. There’s little room for error. Little room indeed. It’s pretty tight back here and we need to be able to see properly. I didn’t think it would end up this way. This was not always the only way. Not by a long shot. There was not much choice in the end, though they like you to think there’s some element of choice. We do get to choose the colour scheme at least. Furnishings, drapes, velvet or lace—that kind of thing. I prefer the wood cabin look if possible. Not many know that’s an option and word gets around fast. A fad is not a pleasant thing but when it becomes default I move on to something more original. I do have more than a modicum of taste they say. And a way with words. You would be surprised by what goes on. Nothing like that. The odd prank, let’s say. We won’t own up. Who won, the winners by a long shot, a good long shot. Or people in glass houses perhaps. Killing a bird and put it all to rest. To rest, you may be sure of that. To rest.

We do dress up on occasion. Occasion wear being a firm favourite in this wood cabin, I can tell you. What can I tell you. When it comes to it, speeches really take the biscuit. There was the president’s speech that went viral. I could tell exactly what he was going to say. Once you’ve interpreted for one head of state, you’ve interpreted for them all. Saying things is a matter of course and it often doesn’t matter what those things might be, of course. Words bear no relation to events. Events unfold and people still say the same thing as before. I turned down his mic, so to speak, just this one time, and jumped straight in with my translation.

—[In these days with more and more people crowding into these virgin isles, we in charge are issuing the following edict: all who are lucky enough to be granted permission to stay for one year—and remember, there is the option to renew for another two and a half years in return for pure gold for the rest of your life—yes, those lucky people who have been selected to join us, will have to fulfil the following requirement: run a race against other applicants and the fastest can stay. We have taken into account both quantitative and qualitative research that reveals the truth and justice of this new scheme. It is my pledge to make those who want to come here run for their better lives.]

Back here it went viral for a different reason: never has such simultaneous consecutive interpreting been witnessed. As you’d expect there’s never any mention of the interpreter. We do not crave recognition. Indeed we do not have a name to put to our work. Imperceptible, discreet, confidential, impartial. We are hidden away. Visibility is overrated. Having an opinion, that kind of thing. We’re here to stay and they can’t flush us out now. They don’t know how much they need us, chipping away day after day.